how long can a cool cat keep calm

so here we are.


alas, it is saturday, what to do-what to do.
it is truly a pity that the break is coming to an end so soon...but maybe it's okay that school is starting up again. I need to feel pressure again, I crave for knowledge to coil through my brain. feeling like a total bum right now, just sitting around listening to music...playing sims... I mean I actually resorted to cleaning my computer of junk/useless docs that I've been meaning to trash. but now that's done, and I am left with absolutely nothing to do. surely it is very pathetic to say that I actually miss learning, HAH bigjoke!


okay fine I really do miss it.
I feel like a dimwitted caveman when I haven't learned something new for a while...

and my friends...
yeah.
I miss you guys.


P.S. can someone please explain to me why it is so cold in HK!? oh, weather-gods, make it warm again. I get wretchedly pale during the cold season, I've actually been told during gym class that my skin color looks frighteningly similar to an albino's. which is rather...awesome-sauce.

the ordinary tourist

so the internet here in the parkroyal hotel is complimentary (along with the cookies they hand out daily), which means I can give an update of things here. not much to do since penang isn't exactly heavy with tourist locations. so what exactly have I been doing? well let me just map out my daily routine for you:

9:30 am - get up and eat breakfast half asleep in clothes I went to sleep in.. (avoiding the "fresh" fruit, the curries, and the cornbeef hash...taking only yogurt, cereal, and french toast...oh and of course, tea!)

10:20 am to 1:00 pm - hit the poolside, tan with determination to free my tanning potential (y), read Lolita, burn my face + feet and lack any tan in between the two areas, attempt at "cooling off" in lukewarm, greasy pool

1:00 pm to 3:00 pm - linger at tiki bar, drink pepsi and eat a wrap, read and try to steal the lobby's wifi, watch the bar employees, squint at the distant tv's sports game.

3:00 pm to 6:00 pm - return to room with mr. whiney (aka anthony) and boil water for tea while I shower, eat the free cookies, watch disney channel and some jacky chan cartoon show, wait for dinner

then I just eat till 10:00 pm and go to sleep.

it's great, life is simple and uncomplicated, I've had fun doing nothing, but I can't deny that I just want to go home. I really just feel like I'm killing time when I could be using this time to do something I actually want to do. and I'm compelled to get along with my brother, which is really...really... hard to do.

basically, I tried to give a chance to this place but there really isn't anything new that can make me spontaneously love this place...because in all honesty, this place is cheesy as hell. big, pale tourists lounging and everyone here seems to treat the hotel employees like they aren't people. i'm sure that's the case in hotels globally though, so i don't intend to just bash this one, but all of them really (heh).

it's hard to just watch when tourists try to make the employee feel like some bigidiot when actually it's them being stupid... for example, today I watched 5 people ask where the drink menu was in a snobbish, condescending tone (stupidly not knowing that the drink menu is on the other side of the food menu). that is mainly why I linger at the tiki bar. to watch bigidiot tourists act like bigidiots. but it's also to watch the employees fool around and be themselves. I overheard them gossip about some miami beach cougar who asked for an entire bottle of white wine to drink at the poolside with her young, hunky eyecandy.

one of the employees is an australian intern (around his early twenties, blond hair, fair skin) and he seems timid around his colleagues (whom all are malaysians) but over the days he became accepted and eventually was taught the greeting handshake they all do with each other. makes me want to intern at a hotel at least once in my lifetime. must be annoying as hell to get crap from other people but it's definitely a life learning and selfless experience...

A peek in the cave

acoustic/folk cover of outkast's heya (actually good)


haven't felt so relaxed in a while. watching friends, surrounded by my friends (nes)tea and pillows. also realized I've been neglecting my blog... so here I am. I need to get out more, I'm aware. but I'm off to Penang, Malaysia tomorrow morning so i'll be exploring without a doubt. I'll post pictures when I get back... I wish I had a cool camera to take pictures with but I'll just have my mom's...

we'll be scuba diving and all that shiz. can't wait actually. haven't been going on vacation for three or four years now. EXcITEmeNT. got my cny money too today, it's pretty much the same amount I get for allowance. so I pretty much was given my weekly allowance, nothing more, nothing less. ah what the heck, I really don't mind. just sucks when according to someone, their 1,000$HK "isn't a lot". wonder how much mine is then? "non-existent"?

JRP

finished my re-write of my research paper and am feeling somewhat happy with my piece. let's just hope that all goes well tomorrow, for, it will be judgment day and the halls of school will ablaze into an inferno. send me hope, I need as much as I can.

“If you can go down so low, you will be able to rise higher than you can conceive and you will know a holy joy, a companionship almost like that of a heavenly company of angels.”

(I could probably adorn every post with a Steinbeck quote now...dear lord)

story of my life.
these days, I am grateful for the tiniest things, and it seems as if I'm not affected anymore by the countless shit chunks that hit the fan.

it's a nice feeling, believe it or not.

"timshel"

upon finishing my research paper on John Steinbeck, I was enlightened by the most amazing term I've ever heard. I'm sure you are all aware of the story of Cain and Abel, if you do not or you have forgotten here's the bible's account:

¹Adam knew his wife Eve intimately, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain. She said, "I have had a male child with the LORD's help."^{[34] 2}Then she also gave birth to his brother Abel. Now Abel became a shepherd of a flock, but Cain cultivated the land. ³In the course of time Cain presented some of the land's produce as an offering to the LORD. ⁴And Abel also presented [an offering]^[35] — some of the firstborn of his flock and their fat portions.^[36] The Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, ⁵but He did not have regard for Cain and his offering. Cain was furious, and he was downcast.^{[37] 6}Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you furious? And why are you downcast?^{[38] 7}If you do right, won't you be accepted? But if you do not do right, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must master it." ⁸Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field."^[39] And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.

to be honest, I never understood why God refused Cain's offering, was it because the act of cultivation was an act of advancement, technology, wisdom? whilst becoming a shepherd is more connected with being emotionally inclined? ah, who knows. but what strikes out to me is that in Steinbeck's novel East of Eden, he managed to teach me something new that I've always overlooked. you see, the King James version says this:

"it is when Jehovah has asked Cain why he is angry. Jehovah says, ‘If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him."

God said that Cain will conquer sin but in the American Standard Bible it says ‘Do thou rule over him.’ which means something completely different. it literally means that Cain must conquer sin.

however, the original words of Jehovah was neither one of these translated versions' words. and seriously, this is exactly why I'm so against religions because no matter what, the true words of God always get changed throughout history... totally destroying the significance of each message that He is trying to convey. the actual words that the Lord said was ‘Thou mayest rule over sin.’ jeez, and I thought that 1) I have to be a good person, 2) I will be a good person no matter what, when really in reality the message from God was that we are given a choice between being good or being evil. "timshel", the Hebrew word, means ‘Thou mayest’, probably the most important word of the entire passage. how could the Bible make such a change? I really do not know. but it is the freedom of choice that humans are given by God. each of us have the free will to choose our own moral destinies, yet we have been taught to be good no matter what.

don't you just feel so foolish? so deceived? it made me feel so invigorated with accomplishment for being 'good' for so long when this entire time God was not going to hate me for not being good. it makes me feel completely stupid for actually trying to be the nicest person I could be when it was entirely up to me whether or not I wanted to be. naturally, after living my entire childhood striving to be good, it's actually hard to start stealing whatever I like... but I must say, reading that definitely gave me more perspective about God, and it seems I embrace the message of God little by little. perhaps I may never like the institution of religion, but the purpose and the scriptures of God make me feel so warm inside from my soaring spirits.

great, and now I am getting goosebumps.

timshel, everyone.

dressed

this friday I finally got some time to spend with my friends. you know, it's nice at times to just have that time opened once in a while... you know, to hang without an ulterior motive, to hang without worrying about being someplace else...it's rather relaxing after living life a certain way for a year.

it was just me, tiff, and nick. our trio was to fill in that nonexistent plan we each had after school, each one of us weren't exactly sure of what to do on our friday but that's what brought us together, being companionless. so, for the first time in a long time, we got together and talked over salads (but naturally, since we aren't that lame and we actually eat real food, we moved to fat burger right next door to get real stuff...aka milkshakes + onion rings + awesome jukebox). I guess it's made me appreciate and understand my friends a little bit more. because we actually wanted to be with each other, which barely happens. I mean, everyone seems to be living in their own lives with their own pleasures, but the circumstances at the time made it possible that we could just be together, guilt-free and willingly.

I definitely learned a new thing though. that some people are lonely, not because they have no friends, but because everyone else is just too busy, and sometimes, in order to actually be a friend, you have to be selfless and give up your time to actually try to be there for them. they'll know you tried, and they won't forget it, because it probably made them feel like they are important in your life...especially after being pushed under the other priorities you've committed to in your life. just take one day to sacrifice your priorities and remind them that they are loved too.

chilling with some coffee

doesn't that just sound so naice? it's not because it's just a cold-ass can of nescafé, haha livin' large.

been a tough week, I think it's been hard for everyone with the JRP and personal issues weighing down on peoples' minds. I'm okay though, for those who are reading this and think I'm not. recently I've been given unwanted pity about my previous post when really it wasn't a post of depressing thoughts or emotional breakdown, it was a confrontation and a revelation that I've been trying to figure out. just needed to make sense of my fragmented thoughts.

someone's playing guitar right now. man, i'd kill to learn how to play.

why is there a blown up condom next to me? well, there's high school for you. maturity isn't really essential just yet. I know that my mom thinks that. shame she can't stop me from growing up, sometimes I wish I could stay young forever, but that's not how it goes. I'm not much of a daughter, I think that I took her control away a little too early. but, I've always been like that I guess. just how I am, just too impulsive for a schedule or structured plans.

anyway, with tiff right now. she's working on math. we had a chat about things (and I want to thank you for being so understanding :-D)

swimming next period, can't wait~