pictures I almost forgot about but then remembered

our christmas card

wo men dou shi hao peng you.

7's galore

little hojie,ry,aud bears

zong zi + tiff's smoldering gaze

prom '08-'09

APAC band bosses

put those almost existent eyebrows away stephen "jk :)"

bliss

whywhywhy we rollrollroll

delish cheesy delights

Inspired by Tiffany To

looking around my room, I notice 20 something eyes and their uplifted corners, where the skins pinches together, and a smile forms upwards to the knots of their temples. My fingers pinch and pull their ghostly flesh, their smiles grow and shrink, but I open my eyes and find I have teared and scratched the surfaces of the 20 something photographs.

my thoughts are ventilating. they fart out of my ears and nose. I shouldn't have had that coffee because now my tongue is shaking uncontrollably and my pinky refuses to sit still like a good limb should.

lime green, mustard yellow, princess pink, elderberry purple, paint me from top to bottom. no, go ahead and drown me in the chalky and crayon colors. my teeth are beginning to taste like plastic and eggshells, collecting at the arching cradles of gum. so this is what it, being a kid, feels like? nibble a crayola stick, peel it and bite it. grind it between your molars. go ahead and suck the dye. shouldn't we all trust the label? non-toxic, synthetic colors, my favorite friends come in a box of 16 in this drawer of unlimited time, a ring of infinity.

what are your colors like?

afternoon monotony

this room is missing something.
it's missing the sun, the birds, the flowers, the laughter, the soft whispers, the vibrant colors, the wafting smells, the taste of vanilla.

slapping a palm against the cool slab of concrete, I fell into a rabbit hole of clarity.

...a volcano erupts without a warning but the ants continue to dance.
so I close my eyes
and dream.
...vaaashooomp.
fllliiikkkkkashhloop.
the dots begin to scatter,
and as soon the molten jam spreads across the bread
they plot themselves on a grid of stolen time.

do I really have to do this..

so, it's been a while since I have last posted. part of me wants to write something for the sake of updating, but there's this battle going on inside of me that wants me to give it up altogether. I don't want to say anything in particular, but if I have to write something, it seems I have to resort to writing about my life at the moment.
today was long and hard to bear. I found myself yelling at R for not letting me talk and for giving me suggestions on how to deal with my emotions. I found myself calling an old friend that I haven't talked to (about serious things) for over a year. I found myself nagging about people I like in general but disliked at that certain moment of time because my patience and tolerance for other people's opinions or suggestions was incredibly and dangerously low.
I get emailed, called, mid-hallway stopped, talked to about my interim trip nonstop. luckily, that died down after a week, but the first couple days we got back from Kolkata was insufferable. the bombardment of curious minds and their questions, near drowned me.
suzette called me earlier today and asked me a question that I've actually been asking myself for quite a while: could we have possibly been prepared before the trip? could our trip leaders tell us what we were expecting, what we'd have to deal with, what we'd see so we wouldn't come back so overwhelmed?
I told her no. No, we could not have been prepared before that trip to Kolkata. No, we could not possibly understand anyway, even if we were "warned" previously what we'd be dealing with.

I know that from all the stressed stories that we try so hard to tell make it seem as if the trip was traumatizing, but to pick the right word to describe it would be that it was a lobotomy,


and now, I just love.

the short history of how I became a bandgeek

but really when you think about it, band is for the obnoxious pranksters and strings is for the goody-goodies.

February 24-29: went to apac (in shanghai), played clarinet for 9 hours everyday, came back and have school band rehearsals every other day (and a thursday morning rehearsal, zomg w00t)

I'm actually fine with it though, I'm starting to not mind my splintered/crackling/butchered lips and blistered thumbs.

speaking of which, I have to leave to go to my band rehearsal.

more LATERrr

how long can a cool cat keep calm

so here we are.


alas, it is saturday, what to do-what to do.
it is truly a pity that the break is coming to an end so soon...but maybe it's okay that school is starting up again. I need to feel pressure again, I crave for knowledge to coil through my brain. feeling like a total bum right now, just sitting around listening to music...playing sims... I mean I actually resorted to cleaning my computer of junk/useless docs that I've been meaning to trash. but now that's done, and I am left with absolutely nothing to do. surely it is very pathetic to say that I actually miss learning, HAH bigjoke!


okay fine I really do miss it.
I feel like a dimwitted caveman when I haven't learned something new for a while...

and my friends...
yeah.
I miss you guys.


P.S. can someone please explain to me why it is so cold in HK!? oh, weather-gods, make it warm again. I get wretchedly pale during the cold season, I've actually been told during gym class that my skin color looks frighteningly similar to an albino's. which is rather...awesome-sauce.

the ordinary tourist

so the internet here in the parkroyal hotel is complimentary (along with the cookies they hand out daily), which means I can give an update of things here. not much to do since penang isn't exactly heavy with tourist locations. so what exactly have I been doing? well let me just map out my daily routine for you:

9:30 am - get up and eat breakfast half asleep in clothes I went to sleep in.. (avoiding the "fresh" fruit, the curries, and the cornbeef hash...taking only yogurt, cereal, and french toast...oh and of course, tea!)

10:20 am to 1:00 pm - hit the poolside, tan with determination to free my tanning potential (y), read Lolita, burn my face + feet and lack any tan in between the two areas, attempt at "cooling off" in lukewarm, greasy pool

1:00 pm to 3:00 pm - linger at tiki bar, drink pepsi and eat a wrap, read and try to steal the lobby's wifi, watch the bar employees, squint at the distant tv's sports game.

3:00 pm to 6:00 pm - return to room with mr. whiney (aka anthony) and boil water for tea while I shower, eat the free cookies, watch disney channel and some jacky chan cartoon show, wait for dinner

then I just eat till 10:00 pm and go to sleep.

it's great, life is simple and uncomplicated, I've had fun doing nothing, but I can't deny that I just want to go home. I really just feel like I'm killing time when I could be using this time to do something I actually want to do. and I'm compelled to get along with my brother, which is really...really... hard to do.

basically, I tried to give a chance to this place but there really isn't anything new that can make me spontaneously love this place...because in all honesty, this place is cheesy as hell. big, pale tourists lounging and everyone here seems to treat the hotel employees like they aren't people. i'm sure that's the case in hotels globally though, so i don't intend to just bash this one, but all of them really (heh).

it's hard to just watch when tourists try to make the employee feel like some bigidiot when actually it's them being stupid... for example, today I watched 5 people ask where the drink menu was in a snobbish, condescending tone (stupidly not knowing that the drink menu is on the other side of the food menu). that is mainly why I linger at the tiki bar. to watch bigidiot tourists act like bigidiots. but it's also to watch the employees fool around and be themselves. I overheard them gossip about some miami beach cougar who asked for an entire bottle of white wine to drink at the poolside with her young, hunky eyecandy.

one of the employees is an australian intern (around his early twenties, blond hair, fair skin) and he seems timid around his colleagues (whom all are malaysians) but over the days he became accepted and eventually was taught the greeting handshake they all do with each other. makes me want to intern at a hotel at least once in my lifetime. must be annoying as hell to get crap from other people but it's definitely a life learning and selfless experience...

A peek in the cave

acoustic/folk cover of outkast's heya (actually good)


haven't felt so relaxed in a while. watching friends, surrounded by my friends (nes)tea and pillows. also realized I've been neglecting my blog... so here I am. I need to get out more, I'm aware. but I'm off to Penang, Malaysia tomorrow morning so i'll be exploring without a doubt. I'll post pictures when I get back... I wish I had a cool camera to take pictures with but I'll just have my mom's...

we'll be scuba diving and all that shiz. can't wait actually. haven't been going on vacation for three or four years now. EXcITEmeNT. got my cny money too today, it's pretty much the same amount I get for allowance. so I pretty much was given my weekly allowance, nothing more, nothing less. ah what the heck, I really don't mind. just sucks when according to someone, their 1,000$HK "isn't a lot". wonder how much mine is then? "non-existent"?

JRP

finished my re-write of my research paper and am feeling somewhat happy with my piece. let's just hope that all goes well tomorrow, for, it will be judgment day and the halls of school will ablaze into an inferno. send me hope, I need as much as I can.

“If you can go down so low, you will be able to rise higher than you can conceive and you will know a holy joy, a companionship almost like that of a heavenly company of angels.”

(I could probably adorn every post with a Steinbeck quote now...dear lord)

story of my life.
these days, I am grateful for the tiniest things, and it seems as if I'm not affected anymore by the countless shit chunks that hit the fan.

it's a nice feeling, believe it or not.

"timshel"

upon finishing my research paper on John Steinbeck, I was enlightened by the most amazing term I've ever heard. I'm sure you are all aware of the story of Cain and Abel, if you do not or you have forgotten here's the bible's account:

¹Adam knew his wife Eve intimately, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain. She said, "I have had a male child with the LORD's help."^{[34] 2}Then she also gave birth to his brother Abel. Now Abel became a shepherd of a flock, but Cain cultivated the land. ³In the course of time Cain presented some of the land's produce as an offering to the LORD. ⁴And Abel also presented [an offering]^[35] — some of the firstborn of his flock and their fat portions.^[36] The Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, ⁵but He did not have regard for Cain and his offering. Cain was furious, and he was downcast.^{[37] 6}Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you furious? And why are you downcast?^{[38] 7}If you do right, won't you be accepted? But if you do not do right, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must master it." ⁸Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field."^[39] And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.

to be honest, I never understood why God refused Cain's offering, was it because the act of cultivation was an act of advancement, technology, wisdom? whilst becoming a shepherd is more connected with being emotionally inclined? ah, who knows. but what strikes out to me is that in Steinbeck's novel East of Eden, he managed to teach me something new that I've always overlooked. you see, the King James version says this:

"it is when Jehovah has asked Cain why he is angry. Jehovah says, ‘If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him."

God said that Cain will conquer sin but in the American Standard Bible it says ‘Do thou rule over him.’ which means something completely different. it literally means that Cain must conquer sin.

however, the original words of Jehovah was neither one of these translated versions' words. and seriously, this is exactly why I'm so against religions because no matter what, the true words of God always get changed throughout history... totally destroying the significance of each message that He is trying to convey. the actual words that the Lord said was ‘Thou mayest rule over sin.’ jeez, and I thought that 1) I have to be a good person, 2) I will be a good person no matter what, when really in reality the message from God was that we are given a choice between being good or being evil. "timshel", the Hebrew word, means ‘Thou mayest’, probably the most important word of the entire passage. how could the Bible make such a change? I really do not know. but it is the freedom of choice that humans are given by God. each of us have the free will to choose our own moral destinies, yet we have been taught to be good no matter what.

don't you just feel so foolish? so deceived? it made me feel so invigorated with accomplishment for being 'good' for so long when this entire time God was not going to hate me for not being good. it makes me feel completely stupid for actually trying to be the nicest person I could be when it was entirely up to me whether or not I wanted to be. naturally, after living my entire childhood striving to be good, it's actually hard to start stealing whatever I like... but I must say, reading that definitely gave me more perspective about God, and it seems I embrace the message of God little by little. perhaps I may never like the institution of religion, but the purpose and the scriptures of God make me feel so warm inside from my soaring spirits.

great, and now I am getting goosebumps.

timshel, everyone.

dressed

this friday I finally got some time to spend with my friends. you know, it's nice at times to just have that time opened once in a while... you know, to hang without an ulterior motive, to hang without worrying about being someplace else...it's rather relaxing after living life a certain way for a year.

it was just me, tiff, and nick. our trio was to fill in that nonexistent plan we each had after school, each one of us weren't exactly sure of what to do on our friday but that's what brought us together, being companionless. so, for the first time in a long time, we got together and talked over salads (but naturally, since we aren't that lame and we actually eat real food, we moved to fat burger right next door to get real stuff...aka milkshakes + onion rings + awesome jukebox). I guess it's made me appreciate and understand my friends a little bit more. because we actually wanted to be with each other, which barely happens. I mean, everyone seems to be living in their own lives with their own pleasures, but the circumstances at the time made it possible that we could just be together, guilt-free and willingly.

I definitely learned a new thing though. that some people are lonely, not because they have no friends, but because everyone else is just too busy, and sometimes, in order to actually be a friend, you have to be selfless and give up your time to actually try to be there for them. they'll know you tried, and they won't forget it, because it probably made them feel like they are important in your life...especially after being pushed under the other priorities you've committed to in your life. just take one day to sacrifice your priorities and remind them that they are loved too.

chilling with some coffee

doesn't that just sound so naice? it's not because it's just a cold-ass can of nescafé, haha livin' large.

been a tough week, I think it's been hard for everyone with the JRP and personal issues weighing down on peoples' minds. I'm okay though, for those who are reading this and think I'm not. recently I've been given unwanted pity about my previous post when really it wasn't a post of depressing thoughts or emotional breakdown, it was a confrontation and a revelation that I've been trying to figure out. just needed to make sense of my fragmented thoughts.

someone's playing guitar right now. man, i'd kill to learn how to play.

why is there a blown up condom next to me? well, there's high school for you. maturity isn't really essential just yet. I know that my mom thinks that. shame she can't stop me from growing up, sometimes I wish I could stay young forever, but that's not how it goes. I'm not much of a daughter, I think that I took her control away a little too early. but, I've always been like that I guess. just how I am, just too impulsive for a schedule or structured plans.

anyway, with tiff right now. she's working on math. we had a chat about things (and I want to thank you for being so understanding :-D)

swimming next period, can't wait~

friend _ boyfriend (insert <, >, or = in the blank)

last week my mom received my academic reports for the semester. it was bad.
my mom refused to let me attend my friend's birthday dinner (sorry sammy) that I was looking forward to for a month (it was Korean bbq, I barely ate for 2 days previous. total fail.), told me I couldn't hang out with my friends, and then she told me that she didn't want me to date anymore. okay so I didn't really feel that devastated until she said that I couldn't see him. It made me see that I'm...more fond of him than my, give or take 5-6 year long, friends.

so I thought about it and I realized a lot. it's always been something I've thought about I guess.. the differences between my friends and Ryan. I've also had a conversation with a friend of mine who is in a similar situation as me (and better yet have the same group of friends...making the problem almost exactly the same)
and here's what I've summed up...
the honest to god truth about what I feel towards couple+best friend combos is this:
I get it.
I get how you only want to hang with your boyfriend or girlfriend because he or she is the only living person out there that will never judge you or like you a little less if you complain, the only person that will tolerate your nags and understand that it's not worth changing your philosophy, the only person that will stay when there is a huge problem involving your friends, the only one who will call you at 2 am when you're still crying about that friend who said nasty things about you, they are the only god damn person who won't let their emotions, or the time of the day, affect how they treat you.
I understand it all.

I mean, why bother with countless friends who only are conditionally fond of you? why must they like you one day and then dislike you the next? and for what reasons? because you've been hanging out with them too much? because you're loud? talk too much? why bother with friends that let the fact that you did something completely stupid and mindless affect their judgment of you? why bother if the fact that you don't buy your clothes at club monaco/your life doesn't revolve around shopping for new clothes/you don't have nice going-out clothes/you don't have 6 million pairs of heels/flats/sandles/boots, makes them like you a little less?

I know by saying this I will be judged almost instantly, but the truth is that in my life, there is no competition between the relationship between my boyfriend and I and the relationship between me and my friends. Because for me, I've build not only the basic foundation of fondness but also the bullet-proof notion of unconditional love. and everyday, I see how I can't count on anyone else. yeah sure, you could say it's all my fault, that I didn't show up at the dinner party or didn't stick around till 1 am, because I went to hang out with my boyfriend...but here's the deal, maybe I'm doing all that because he never lets me down, makes me feel insignificant, never forgets about me, asks me how I am, tells me that I'm smart, makes that C+ in Chinese a funny joke, tries to make me laugh when times are shit, talks me through problems, helps me with my chemistry homework (without any self-beneficial intentions), and doesn't keep pushing me to pay back that $150 I owe him.

so get your heads on straight friends.
I know passing up a night to do illegal bad-ass epic shit is a total "lame" thing for me to do, but it's because I can still have a great night with just my other half.

In class...

It's almost the end of school. let the bell go off.. I want to go home and sleep finally....ugh I miss not having homework.

kinda really want this bag...



aud

Wake Up, Smile.

Los Campesinos - You! Me! Dancing!


As you might have read below, last night (or should I say this morning) I was embracing my inner fury because of a little incident. All's good though, because I woke up feeling better, hoorah. And that is what I absolutely love about sleep, how much better I feel about things in the morning. It's a comfort to know that my rage can be eliminated by sleeping(possibly because it was caused from a lack of...) and just letting go of a situation for the night to consume. Yesterday's fights are yesterday's, and today is a new day. It's easy for me to move on from things, but I am reckless and harsh when it comes to arguments...I realize it must be difficult to accept something like that. Kudos to you, Ryan for putting up with it for so long.


I already have one finder! Yvonne, I am truly impressed with your questionable admirable stalker investigator skills. You are my first follower! Yay, major brownie points for you Von. I must write another letter to you (hand-written this time).

Today was okay.
Seems like everyday I recieve more information about conflicts or scandals. I feel nauseous when just thinking about having another person tell me more painful stories that I really don't want to hear or get notified of the latest details of some fail/suffering couple. It's okay to get all giggly about some things, I mean like I'm not saying I dislike gossiping or just having playful talks about how attached some couples are or how much of a "hoe" some chick is. But there are limits, and these conversations must be taken in small doses. I have nightmares where I tear my hair out or where I'm being hunted down by gangs. I know how much shit I'm carrying in my head and I'm not proud of it. In fact, it's an illness that plagues my conscious mind. I don't know what to do once I'm burdened with stories or secrets that mustn't dance off my tongue. It's hard. I know things that could hurt someone, could break people up, could change everything right now. One person with the devil's secrets. If I could, I would tell everyone of the deception they live among. I would tell for the act of justice and truth, because at least the lives they live will not be foolish ones.

Once you know a secret, the world seems to get smaller.
I wonder if I'd tell after things have changed. Let's say, in 3 years?
Maybe.
But I doubt there would be any point in that.
There won't even be any chance of justice when it's already over.

Sleepless Night

Looks like I'm bound for another sleepless night. It's just too hard to just let sleep happen when my mind won't shut the hell up. I keep getting bombarded with angry words that won't leave me alone...and I'm trying not to let it cease to affect me by squeezing the dear cotton out of my sleep pal, Dingo. What am I to do right now? Ponder for another countless hours until the alarm goes off at 6:00 am, think through a shower and then have to deal with an entire day of classes I barely get inspiration out of? No thanks. I'm just not having fun right now.

I'm too confused about what people mean by me not being able to confront when I always feel like the only person confronting. Then once I say that, their only defense is that they have nothing to confront about. If I were a goddamn saint (and please, I know I am not) then perhaps I would actually believe that there is nothing to confront, but this is the real world. Hello, obviously there are problems and you don't want to bring upon "petty" fights. Well guess what friends, petty fights add up to a big explosion (yes, similar to the atom bomb, it will make your eyes melt from your sockets because it is that bad). So, take the little quarrel as an act of kindness or even an act of consideration from your loved one because it's better than the alternative.

I hate more intensely than I love.
That's what makes my life inevitably complex.
Not because of love, but because of my uncontrollable stools of hate-diarrhea.
I beg to every God that exists that I fall asleep before 1 am.
If I don't, I will be a very ferocious beast tomorrow... either that or my alter-ego which is a dwarf...specifically Gimli from LOTR.

Awesome.

Sills

The window,

outlining the sunless, naked walls

once led on fictions of eternal stability.

The house once howled

and the earth beneath drank her tears.

The rug once weaved through the in-betweens of toes

and scratched at the unwashed soles.

Until a morning of new apparel,

of brush painted petals:

a garden of boundless daffodils,

snapped

the weathered timber of aged silence,

bringing golden-cut reverence

of the very warmth and courtesy

he carried.

What I've Just Realized...

...is that I could change the life of someone with just one conversation…but I find myself stuck behind this line I’ve promised not to cross.

Let’s say that one side of this line contains an extensively significant amount of attention and loyalty, the other side contains exactly the same. Upon crossing this thin line will welcome the new responsibilities that will overtake me. I know myself well enough to say that I will lodge myself in a different book, a different story without much thought and plan. It’s not completely false to assume or think that I would ever jump prematurely into something of this sort, because I really can get myself mixed into another person’s life. I want to help because my spirit longs for it. It makes me feel so alive, so consumed which makes it so hard for me to stop.

I really want to get to know this person, but I know it’ll be another mistake.

Conundrums and bad habits.
They will be the death of me.

Open For Business

(For all those who noted the Sims 2 reference for the title...brownie points for you!)

I'm so happy to pronounce this blog officially opened for all ye curious fellows. I've just come from the land of wordpress.com so I'll be developing this blog/void/openrantspace over the year.
Naturally, I'll let people find their own course to this blog rather than a shout-on-top-of-a-mountain speech.

Anyway, on to what's more important (not that any specific event/info can actually be proclaimed important in my life, but never mind that!) it is time for a little brief overview of what the hecks happened on my Saturday night.

It was fun, I enjoyed the food and I let my frugal-self shine through when I happily realized that I wasn't paying for the food (thank you so much Tiff, you know how I am when it comes to money...and a late Happy belated Birthday to you too! I still need to figure out what I can buy for you that you don't already have...). We then proceeded to getting B&J ice cream next to the Knutford Steps and that was when we planned on getting some shish. Didn't happen for me though...mother hen called around then and I realized it was getting late and we were still standing around talking about historical figures and searching them up on our* iPhones. I then left the group with Sheron and Nick, they left to go home while I met up with Ryan. We went back to my house and watched Modern Family (I recommend this series if you enjoy watching the Office and/or Arrested Development). We then fell asleep in a pool of oblivion.


*I think I'm being too vague by stating "our", because clearly it was just CC and Steve.

Alright, now I must continue reading my book for the JRP that's coming up. Absolute fun!

Alex Reads Twilight: Ch.7

Fleet Foxes - Tiger Mountain Peasant Song (Cover)