friend _ boyfriend (insert <, >, or = in the blank)

last week my mom received my academic reports for the semester. it was bad.
my mom refused to let me attend my friend's birthday dinner (sorry sammy) that I was looking forward to for a month (it was Korean bbq, I barely ate for 2 days previous. total fail.), told me I couldn't hang out with my friends, and then she told me that she didn't want me to date anymore. okay so I didn't really feel that devastated until she said that I couldn't see him. It made me see that I'm...more fond of him than my, give or take 5-6 year long, friends.

so I thought about it and I realized a lot. it's always been something I've thought about I guess.. the differences between my friends and Ryan. I've also had a conversation with a friend of mine who is in a similar situation as me (and better yet have the same group of friends...making the problem almost exactly the same)
and here's what I've summed up...
the honest to god truth about what I feel towards couple+best friend combos is this:
I get it.
I get how you only want to hang with your boyfriend or girlfriend because he or she is the only living person out there that will never judge you or like you a little less if you complain, the only person that will tolerate your nags and understand that it's not worth changing your philosophy, the only person that will stay when there is a huge problem involving your friends, the only one who will call you at 2 am when you're still crying about that friend who said nasty things about you, they are the only god damn person who won't let their emotions, or the time of the day, affect how they treat you.
I understand it all.

I mean, why bother with countless friends who only are conditionally fond of you? why must they like you one day and then dislike you the next? and for what reasons? because you've been hanging out with them too much? because you're loud? talk too much? why bother with friends that let the fact that you did something completely stupid and mindless affect their judgment of you? why bother if the fact that you don't buy your clothes at club monaco/your life doesn't revolve around shopping for new clothes/you don't have nice going-out clothes/you don't have 6 million pairs of heels/flats/sandles/boots, makes them like you a little less?

I know by saying this I will be judged almost instantly, but the truth is that in my life, there is no competition between the relationship between my boyfriend and I and the relationship between me and my friends. Because for me, I've build not only the basic foundation of fondness but also the bullet-proof notion of unconditional love. and everyday, I see how I can't count on anyone else. yeah sure, you could say it's all my fault, that I didn't show up at the dinner party or didn't stick around till 1 am, because I went to hang out with my boyfriend...but here's the deal, maybe I'm doing all that because he never lets me down, makes me feel insignificant, never forgets about me, asks me how I am, tells me that I'm smart, makes that C+ in Chinese a funny joke, tries to make me laugh when times are shit, talks me through problems, helps me with my chemistry homework (without any self-beneficial intentions), and doesn't keep pushing me to pay back that $150 I owe him.

so get your heads on straight friends.
I know passing up a night to do illegal bad-ass epic shit is a total "lame" thing for me to do, but it's because I can still have a great night with just my other half.

In class...

It's almost the end of school. let the bell go off.. I want to go home and sleep finally....ugh I miss not having homework.

kinda really want this bag...



aud

Wake Up, Smile.

Los Campesinos - You! Me! Dancing!


As you might have read below, last night (or should I say this morning) I was embracing my inner fury because of a little incident. All's good though, because I woke up feeling better, hoorah. And that is what I absolutely love about sleep, how much better I feel about things in the morning. It's a comfort to know that my rage can be eliminated by sleeping(possibly because it was caused from a lack of...) and just letting go of a situation for the night to consume. Yesterday's fights are yesterday's, and today is a new day. It's easy for me to move on from things, but I am reckless and harsh when it comes to arguments...I realize it must be difficult to accept something like that. Kudos to you, Ryan for putting up with it for so long.


I already have one finder! Yvonne, I am truly impressed with your questionable admirable stalker investigator skills. You are my first follower! Yay, major brownie points for you Von. I must write another letter to you (hand-written this time).

Today was okay.
Seems like everyday I recieve more information about conflicts or scandals. I feel nauseous when just thinking about having another person tell me more painful stories that I really don't want to hear or get notified of the latest details of some fail/suffering couple. It's okay to get all giggly about some things, I mean like I'm not saying I dislike gossiping or just having playful talks about how attached some couples are or how much of a "hoe" some chick is. But there are limits, and these conversations must be taken in small doses. I have nightmares where I tear my hair out or where I'm being hunted down by gangs. I know how much shit I'm carrying in my head and I'm not proud of it. In fact, it's an illness that plagues my conscious mind. I don't know what to do once I'm burdened with stories or secrets that mustn't dance off my tongue. It's hard. I know things that could hurt someone, could break people up, could change everything right now. One person with the devil's secrets. If I could, I would tell everyone of the deception they live among. I would tell for the act of justice and truth, because at least the lives they live will not be foolish ones.

Once you know a secret, the world seems to get smaller.
I wonder if I'd tell after things have changed. Let's say, in 3 years?
Maybe.
But I doubt there would be any point in that.
There won't even be any chance of justice when it's already over.

Sleepless Night

Looks like I'm bound for another sleepless night. It's just too hard to just let sleep happen when my mind won't shut the hell up. I keep getting bombarded with angry words that won't leave me alone...and I'm trying not to let it cease to affect me by squeezing the dear cotton out of my sleep pal, Dingo. What am I to do right now? Ponder for another countless hours until the alarm goes off at 6:00 am, think through a shower and then have to deal with an entire day of classes I barely get inspiration out of? No thanks. I'm just not having fun right now.

I'm too confused about what people mean by me not being able to confront when I always feel like the only person confronting. Then once I say that, their only defense is that they have nothing to confront about. If I were a goddamn saint (and please, I know I am not) then perhaps I would actually believe that there is nothing to confront, but this is the real world. Hello, obviously there are problems and you don't want to bring upon "petty" fights. Well guess what friends, petty fights add up to a big explosion (yes, similar to the atom bomb, it will make your eyes melt from your sockets because it is that bad). So, take the little quarrel as an act of kindness or even an act of consideration from your loved one because it's better than the alternative.

I hate more intensely than I love.
That's what makes my life inevitably complex.
Not because of love, but because of my uncontrollable stools of hate-diarrhea.
I beg to every God that exists that I fall asleep before 1 am.
If I don't, I will be a very ferocious beast tomorrow... either that or my alter-ego which is a dwarf...specifically Gimli from LOTR.

Awesome.

Sills

The window,

outlining the sunless, naked walls

once led on fictions of eternal stability.

The house once howled

and the earth beneath drank her tears.

The rug once weaved through the in-betweens of toes

and scratched at the unwashed soles.

Until a morning of new apparel,

of brush painted petals:

a garden of boundless daffodils,

snapped

the weathered timber of aged silence,

bringing golden-cut reverence

of the very warmth and courtesy

he carried.

What I've Just Realized...

...is that I could change the life of someone with just one conversation…but I find myself stuck behind this line I’ve promised not to cross.

Let’s say that one side of this line contains an extensively significant amount of attention and loyalty, the other side contains exactly the same. Upon crossing this thin line will welcome the new responsibilities that will overtake me. I know myself well enough to say that I will lodge myself in a different book, a different story without much thought and plan. It’s not completely false to assume or think that I would ever jump prematurely into something of this sort, because I really can get myself mixed into another person’s life. I want to help because my spirit longs for it. It makes me feel so alive, so consumed which makes it so hard for me to stop.

I really want to get to know this person, but I know it’ll be another mistake.

Conundrums and bad habits.
They will be the death of me.

Open For Business

(For all those who noted the Sims 2 reference for the title...brownie points for you!)

I'm so happy to pronounce this blog officially opened for all ye curious fellows. I've just come from the land of wordpress.com so I'll be developing this blog/void/openrantspace over the year.
Naturally, I'll let people find their own course to this blog rather than a shout-on-top-of-a-mountain speech.

Anyway, on to what's more important (not that any specific event/info can actually be proclaimed important in my life, but never mind that!) it is time for a little brief overview of what the hecks happened on my Saturday night.

It was fun, I enjoyed the food and I let my frugal-self shine through when I happily realized that I wasn't paying for the food (thank you so much Tiff, you know how I am when it comes to money...and a late Happy belated Birthday to you too! I still need to figure out what I can buy for you that you don't already have...). We then proceeded to getting B&J ice cream next to the Knutford Steps and that was when we planned on getting some shish. Didn't happen for me though...mother hen called around then and I realized it was getting late and we were still standing around talking about historical figures and searching them up on our* iPhones. I then left the group with Sheron and Nick, they left to go home while I met up with Ryan. We went back to my house and watched Modern Family (I recommend this series if you enjoy watching the Office and/or Arrested Development). We then fell asleep in a pool of oblivion.


*I think I'm being too vague by stating "our", because clearly it was just CC and Steve.

Alright, now I must continue reading my book for the JRP that's coming up. Absolute fun!

Alex Reads Twilight: Ch.7

Fleet Foxes - Tiger Mountain Peasant Song (Cover)