do I really have to do this..

so, it's been a while since I have last posted. part of me wants to write something for the sake of updating, but there's this battle going on inside of me that wants me to give it up altogether. I don't want to say anything in particular, but if I have to write something, it seems I have to resort to writing about my life at the moment.
today was long and hard to bear. I found myself yelling at R for not letting me talk and for giving me suggestions on how to deal with my emotions. I found myself calling an old friend that I haven't talked to (about serious things) for over a year. I found myself nagging about people I like in general but disliked at that certain moment of time because my patience and tolerance for other people's opinions or suggestions was incredibly and dangerously low.
I get emailed, called, mid-hallway stopped, talked to about my interim trip nonstop. luckily, that died down after a week, but the first couple days we got back from Kolkata was insufferable. the bombardment of curious minds and their questions, near drowned me.
suzette called me earlier today and asked me a question that I've actually been asking myself for quite a while: could we have possibly been prepared before the trip? could our trip leaders tell us what we were expecting, what we'd have to deal with, what we'd see so we wouldn't come back so overwhelmed?
I told her no. No, we could not have been prepared before that trip to Kolkata. No, we could not possibly understand anyway, even if we were "warned" previously what we'd be dealing with.

I know that from all the stressed stories that we try so hard to tell make it seem as if the trip was traumatizing, but to pick the right word to describe it would be that it was a lobotomy,


and now, I just love.